Short Funny Quotes | Funniest quotes

  Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don't like. 

 Most people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them. 

 The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry. 

 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of payments. 

 If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? 

 I'm writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with: I heard from this guy who told somebody 

 You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. 

 A Canadian psychologist is ?selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog ?is smarter than you. 

 We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet. 

 Hate to break it to you, ?Facebook, but the entire Internet ?is already a Dislike button. 

 How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have ?a huge clock right in the middle ?of the town. 

 Here's some advice: At a job ?interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. 

 Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. 

 We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. 

 Whoever named ?it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. 

 You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself. 

 I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was. 

 Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing. 

 She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up. 

 To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.? 

 ​I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering. 

 Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: I've moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock n roll, and I love music, but it's nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I'm treated like a normal person. 

 There's no I in denial. 

 When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. 

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 

 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

 The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. 

 Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. 

 First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

 How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! 

 My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. 

 Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. 

 I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. 

 I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. 

 We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off. 

 She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can't believe her, even if I could believe her. 

 When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing. 

 I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future. 

 A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real. 

 From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge. 

 The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me. 

 If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs). 

 Don't try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone. 

 I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.

 Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon." 

 Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was. 

 I hate fake people. You know what I'm talking about. Mannequins. 

 Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. 

 I've always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, I'm sorry. 

 I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it. 

 I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate. 

 There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis. 

 This was not one of those times. 

 Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable. 

 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. 

 People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. 

 Accept who you are, unless you,re a serial killer. 

 I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. 

 May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short. 

 Out of all the lies I've told, Just kidding! is my favorite. 

 People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. 

 I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed. 

 I put the pro in procrastinate. 

 Etc. End of Thinking Capacity. 

 ​We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people. 

 It's all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it's a new game; hide and seek. 

 I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it. 

 My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying. 

 It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office. 

 I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 

 I hate when I go to bed and I forget to turn my swag off. 

 If God made everything, then God must be Chinese? 

 I've realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough. 

 If I were a bird, I'd fly straight into a ceiling fan. 

 Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork. 

 Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who's Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don't eat breakfast. 

 Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information? Bones asked, getting back to the subject. You to take me, 

 Beer has that Olympic medal color, Rot replied, but does it have a winning taste? I'd hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I'll stick to my red wine. 

 Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick) 

 After Tuesday, even the calendar goes, W T F. 

 General Mills ?is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn't that called a sponge? 

 Does it disturb anyone else that The Los Angeles Angels baseball team translates directly to The The Angels Angels? 

 I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. 

 Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. 

 My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. 

 Just because you can't dance doesn't mean you shouldn't dance.

 Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 

 If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln. 

 Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead. 

 I'm great in bed; I can sleep for days. 

 Of course I'm not perfect; there's a crack in my ass! 

 I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday. 

 Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, Oh crap, she's up. 

 Silence is golden; duct tape is silver. 

 I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention. 

 Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. 

 A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body. 

 A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country. 

 Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. 

 If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you. 

 Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack. 

 Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9. 

 During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information. 

 Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant. 

 A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. 

 You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said Parking Fine. 

 ​I now know I'm psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time. 

 I did a few researchers to get that information. 

 I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong. 

 Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon. 

 I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning.


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